i'm not perfect i know it
i hurt myself
and i hurt you
i know i put you through it
say i'm sorry
it's not the truth
you want me to be better
you want someone you don't have to worry about
sorry i
sorry i let you down
sorry i turned away
sorry i never change
but i don't think anyone's ever got me
like you do
sorry i'm up and down
turn your life inside out
sorry i'm never good
but i don't think anyone's ever seen me
like you do
you think i lie
maybe you're right
maybe you're wrong
i wish i knew
don't know myself
i change sometimes
i cut you off
come back to you
you know i'm no good for you
i wouldn't want me if i were you
so if that's the truth
sorry i
sorry i let you down
sorry i turned away
sorry i never change
but i don't think anyone's ever got me
like you do
sorry i'm up and down
turn your life inside out
sorry i'm never good
but i don't think anyone's ever seen me
like you do
you do
you do
you do
you know i never change
you know i never change
you know i never change
you do
you do
you do
sorry i
sorry i let you down
sorry i turned away
sorry i never change
but i don't think anyone's ever got me
like you do
sorry i'm up and down
turn your life inside out
sorry i'm never good
but i don't think anyone's ever seen me
like you do
you do
you do
you do
i think you're stuck with me
cause i know i'm stuck with you
i think you're stuck with me
cause i know i'm stuck with you
i think you're stuck with me
cause i know i'm stuck with you
i think you're stuck with me
cause i know i'm stuck with you
I wrote this one about my relationship with my mom, but sung it months later in a fever
dream minute when I was like "should I get back together with my ex?" (NO). Elliot says
it
sounds
like a 2000s teen movie credits song, which I consider a proud achievement.
It starts
the album because it encapsulates the album's themes of connection, longing, and mania,
plus it straight up bangs.
you're assertive
you say what you mean
but no one things that you're an ass
you're disarming
you're impatient
you can't focus on me
but how could i judge?
you're the party
you're really not special
you only ask questions
and start conversations
and make my life better
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
but i know it isn't
i wish i was like you
i wish i could do it
cause people like you are why
life is worth living
i'm kind of intense
and i keep to myself
people tell me i'm intimidating
but they warm to you quickly
and i guess i did too
light up my world
when you pick me to talk to
you're really not special
you only ask questions
and start conversations
and make my life better
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
but i know it isn't
i wish i was like you
i wish i could do it
cause people like you are why
life is worth living
i wish i was like you
i wish i could do it
cause people like you are why
life is worth living
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
but i know it isn't
i wish i was like you
i wish i could do it
cause people like you are why
life is worth living
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
you make it look easy
but i know it isn't
i wish i was like you
i wish i could do it
cause people like you are why
life is worth living
people like you are why
life is worth living
people like you are why
life is worth living
the rest of us wish we were you
but can't do it
cause people like you are why
life is worth living
Elliot once called this one a 'platonic lovesong' and I was like damn that is completely
right. It's about
the
most
outgoing, welcoming, extrovert's extrovert I have ever met, and how much I
appreciate
him
for always pulling me in.
I am the kind of introvert (?) that needs like an hour of free alone time a day,
but otherwise wants to be surrounded by people constantly, so I always really appreciate
the work that extroverts do to draw us quiet ones out.
i'm hooked on you honey
never letting you go
cause i got desire
it's starting to show
i'm holding you tightly
bathing inside your glow
cause i got a fire
i feel it starting to grow
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
all that I do is thinking about you
do you think about me too?
call it sad, call it funny
i don't care to know
cause i got desire
and i can't let you go
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
all that I do is thinking about you
do you think about me too?
let me back in your head and your heart again
i been thinking about you, baby, tell me when
i get so carried away looking in your eyes
you spark a fire and i just can't dеny
cause it's you i'm thinking of
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
all that i do is thinking about you
do you think about me too?
do you think about me?
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
here's the thing
i can't stop thinking about you
all that i do is thinking about you
do you think about me too?
This is a cover of Desire, one of my favourite songs from legendary band, and
masters of
reverb, Cannons. A mix of their songs autoplayed on YouTube after some Metric songs
while I
was at work, and from the first song, let me tell you, I was TRANSFIXED. I remember
just
walking around downtown listening to the rest of the mix before going home like
“WOW”,
esentially with my mouth agape.
I tried playing Desire on guitar and just played it
heavier
and heavier until I was screaming. I recorded the demo in an hour maybe and brought
it to
Elliot immediately to record. It was lightning in a bottle and a welcome diversion from
"It's not fair" which we had been working on for months.
From a singer perspective, this was an experiment in
'sounding
sexy,' because the lyrics are more forward than I am comfortable being or writing. I
didn't
anticipate doing covers since I always have so much to write, but it's fun to
inhabit a
different persona and make it your own, which I think we more than achieved.
Seriously, listen to the original to compare (or just stop there since it's a
masterpiece).
Cannons captures the subtle push and pull of attraction, and I think we nail the
anguish of
unrequited desire.
i could be sexy
just give me time
you've listened to all the songs i like
i could be trusting
just give me space
but don't leave when i expect you to stay
i could be pretty
i could dress up
make myself into your dream girl
i could be something
you could be too
as soon as i'm over my issues
but i'm too scared to touch you now
i don't want to stand out
will you wake up
i'm not good enough?
is it settling?
wasn't looking for you
but damn you're something
cause i can't remember life before
you asked me why and why again
i don't like wasting time
but with you i wish the days would never end
gotta sit down
for the texts i sent
you're just crazy enough
to kind of get it
in the front of my mind
what if you're not right?
but the worse thought
is what if you are?
i could be cool
i could be fun
show me off like a prize that you won
i could be romantic
pull you into the rain
not feel sick when i'm kissing your face
i could be lasting
i could be fire
as soon as i'm not an honest liar
i could be happy
i could fall in love
as soon as i stop thinking so much
but i don't want to tell my friends
don't want you to meet my parents
cause this is outside of me
she's a new person i've never been
a beginner with you
why is feeling seen is so embarassing?
look at you, i'm already ashamed
cause what if you saw what i thought?
but you already know me like i'm see through
and I tried
to cut you off, here we are
sitting beside you entertaining this
cause i like how it feels to hold hands
i like how it feels to casually touch you
i like how you make the plans
i like how you text me back
i like how you think my thoughts
i like how it feels to be wanted
wish i liked how it feels to want
i can't let go yet
know i overthought
it's just that you're not what i thought i would want
hold on a bit longer
can we just pretend?
look the other way
while delaying the end
This song is essentially the thesis statement of the album: I want to be close
to people, but I am also afraid of being close to people and I don't know how. I wrote this
one after becoming a 'girlfriend' and realizing I had no idea how to do that.
It's the moment you realize the thing that's blocking you is you.
i've never met someone like you
someone that actually asks questions
i've never met someone like you
somebody else who is boundary-less
and you're focused and manic too
wake up at 3 just to text back to you
cause there's so much to talk about
two whole lives of pretentious opinions
you're so different, i disagree
but i like when you challenge me
you bring something to the table
you can match my energy
but in the start i was naive
i couldn't believe
that you just kept choosing to me
but as soon as i felt good enough for you
you weren't good enough for me
we say it's surreal
cause the truth is not here
but you are
nothing but sweetness
innocent youth
i think i'm a little old for you
look in my eyes
with a word on your tongue
but i don't want you to say it
cause you're not the one
i can't believe i have you all to myself
i can't believe that's not enough for this girl
i've never met someone like you
i like that you tell me all your secrets
but after you read me your old notes
i kind of wish i stayed ignorant
and you want all the answers too
but aside from thoughts do you actually feel it?
you're out turning your life into business
and i belong to the world you rejected
in the start i was naive
i couldn't believe
that you just kept choosing to me
but as soon as i felt good enough for you
you weren't good enough for me
we say it's surreal
cause the future's not here
but you are
nothing but sweetness
innocent youth
i think i'm a little old for you
look in my eyes
with a word on your tongue
but i don't want you to say it
cause you're not the one
nothing but sweetness
innocent youth
never again meet someone like you
look in my eyes
with a word on your tongue
but i don't want you to say it
cause you're not the one
nothing but sweetness
innocent youth
i think i'm a little old for you
look in my eyes
with a word on your tongue
but i don't want you to say it
cause you're not the one
nothing but sweetness
innocent youth
never again meet someone like you
looked in my eyes
with that word on your tongue
but i don't want you to say it
cause you're not the one
i can't believe i have you all to myself
i can't believe that's not enough for this girl
i can't believe i had you all to myself
should know by now, nothing's enough for this girl
This is The Breakup Song. I wrote it in my head over a weekend trip to Mayne Island with
Elliot, which we spent just walking around and talking for like 10 hours a day.
Then I came home, wrote the song down, sung it
with
my
guitar, and realized I had to break up with my boyfriend. You can lie to your friends,
family, and yourself, but you can't lie to your
guitar.
It's basically my version of Thank U, Next. Gratefully moving on.
i wish i wanted you like that
cause everything else would be perfect
but you can't choose who you attract
i wish i wanted it like you did
i wish i wanted you like that
when i imagine how we could be
we'd move out and talk all night
you'd make millions, i'd be happy
i wish i wanted you like that
i wish i wanted you like that
so now we text everyday
more than we did when we were dating
but it's no pressure if you don't
and now i don't have to fulfill you
much better for my anxious avoidance
still don't trust you
but we still share everything
i wish i wanted you like that
i wish i wanted you like that
when i text you
i make up what i wanted in my head
i wonder if it could have worked
i wonder what i could have said
but then i see you and remember
it's not meant to be
you're just a little immature
and i've got a couple things that's wrong with me
but i wish i wanted you like that
i wish i wanted you like that
i don't know where it goes from here
don't know how we can keep this up
what happens when you get a girl?
what happens when you fall in love?
will i be jealous?
of what i could have had
idealize the past
like i'm a victim of my own circumstance
and when you one day cut me off
cause you're too busy living life
i hope you find your answers out there
and i know i will survive
but i'm so grateful that we met
and i still don't regret a thing
i wish i wanted you like that
but i only want to mindfuck! can't you see?
but i wish i wanted you like that
i wish i wanted you like that
i wish i wanted you like that
i wish i wanted you like that
This is the post-breakup but we're still friends (???) and what does that mean
(?????)
and
is that okay (???????) song. Again, the mania of anxious avoidant attachment.
I was really asking a lot making Elliot play drums at
180
BPM
for 3 minutes but HE DID IT of course. Did I mention I am the luckiest ever to have such a
renaissance session musician at my disposal?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too honest in my music...
Anyways.
nobody's ever as beautiful
as they are crying
is that an issue?
i hope you don't notice
there's people out there who are realists
i know i can't believe it either
you've got tense hands, been there before
red tired eyes, i recognize
cover your face you're insecure
just a minute, do you want to go outside?
you shouldn't have to wait you're whole life
but you kind of do
no i can't make the feelings go away
but know i'm here for you
i'm here for you
nobody's ever as beautiful
as they are telling secrets
my favourite people
are embarrassed
and if you think this changes anything
well think again
new words don't change the core i see to
you've got tense hands, been there before
red tired eyes, i recognize
cover your face you're insecure
just a minute, do you want to go outside?
you shouldn't have to wait you're whole life
but you kind of do
no i can't make the feelings go away
but know i'm here for you
nobody's ever as beautiful
as they are when they say goodbye
and i still love you
closing the curtains
there's people out there who don't feel this
do you feel lucky just like i do?
you've got tense hands, been there before
red tired eyes, i recognize
cover your face you're insecure
just a minute, do you want to go outside?
you shouldn't have to wait you're whole life
but you kind of do
no i can't make the feelings go away
but know i'm here for you
know i'm here for you
I started writing this one after a friend broke down in front of me while sharing
some personal issues, and I thought they looked kind of beautiful with tears in their eyes.
(Again, the honesty thing...)
After
this,
I realized that crying with people is one of my favourite kinds of bonding (take
that as
you
will) because it's so vulnerable that it means you really trust each other. Like seeing soul
to soul.
you don't know me
you just saw me
what's your name? i don't remember
i'm terrible at that
could be cute though
entertain it
keep me interested in something
am i a horrible person?
i'm always trying to grow
i'm always starting to change
i wish i could follow through on something something something
you don't know me
you just saw me
way back last week
who was she?
i couldn't tell you
i've forgotten
wasn't lying when i said my
memory's always failing me
too many epiphinanies
but it never stays with me
but it never stays with me
but it never stays with me
i don't know you
i just saw you
here it is a brand new chance
to do the exact same thing
i can read it
i can highlight
i can write it down again
but will it touch my actions?
i'm always trying to grow
i'm always starting to change
i wish i could follow through on something something something
you don't know me
you just saw me
way back last week
who was she?
i couldn't tell you
i've forgotten
wasn't lying when i said my
memory's always failing me
too many epiphinanies
but it never stays with me
it never stays with me
it never stays with me
it never stays with me
they never stay with me
they never stay with me
they never stay with me
they never stay with me
they never stay with me
I read a lot of psychology and self development books, and I always highlight all
these
new
life-changing insights while reading, and I write them down to remind myself after
and I
really think I will be different this time, and then they slowly fade away as I go
about
my
life or read the next one, and I am exactly the same.
Against my best efforts,
history
repeats itself, and I found
myself in another relationship with someone who I knew wasn't right for me and it was
completely my
responsibility.
This is a very anxious attachment song, where I feel like I can't
keep
anything (idea, thought, identity, or person) too close, because it all fades
away.
It's literally one track of me playing guitar and singing at the same time, which was
supposed to be a demo, but the subject matter is so vulnerable that adding anything else
felt disingenuous. Sometimes all you have is yourself.
it's not fair that even through words you get to me
it's not fair i always want what's out of reach
it's not fair that you're so fucking hot to me
it's not fair that i look for you in everything
i can't believe
i've got to look this stupid all again
it's not fair you're the only one listening
it's not fair, right time you were wrong for me
it's not fair i can't take reality
it's not fair you've set a bar no one can reach
i can't believe
i've got to share everything all again
i can't believe
it could ever feel as good as that
it's not fair
it's not fair
it's not fair
it's not fair
it's not fair
it's not fair
it's not fair
it's not fair
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
you were just another dream to me
a fantasy
a memory
it never lasts
i'm holding out
for all i want
but in the end
know someday never comes
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
thought i met you
i saw you there
I would call "It's not fair" the spiritual successor to “Fake Lover." After breaking up with
someone I
got
to know very deeply, very quickly, everything I said to meet new people started to
feel
so
canned, like I had my script of facts and issues about me. I was wondering if it
would
ever
feel exciting to meet someone new and have them get to know me again, or if it would
just be
checking off a list now that I'd done it once.
Then I wrote this song in like 15
minutes
after a guy I had liked (Just Another Lonely Girl boy) made me feel things OVER
EMAIL
and I
was like okay none of this is fair, what the fuck?
It was fun to contrast the
delusional
brattiness and deep longing of breaking up in one song. Turns out brattiness is much more
embarrassing.
This one also took the longest. We started working on it in January 2024, and it was one of
the
last songs we finished in August 2024. Much like Halflife on our first album, it just
refused to be in time. No matter how many times we redid tracks, they still felt off, so we
would keep shelving it to work on other songs. Finally, we had to finish the album, so went
back to it, but this time it had been so long that I wasn't feeling this way anymore. That's
where the (over it) version came from: we both just weren't feeling that angsty anymore, so
we made this
happy jazzy version of the song.
It's not fair is denial and (over it) is acceptance. We decided to put it at the end of the
album so it ended on a somewhat positive note. A reminder that no matter how lost or
sad you feel now,
one day it'll just be another good memory.
the sky is pink again
i don't know where i am
i don't know where i'm going
i left you there again
i knew that it would end
it was a nice distraction
do i keep myself so busy
cause i don't want to know what's going on on the outside?
what's going on on the outside?
i don't know
do beautiful things make anyone else sad?
cause you can't enjoy it justice
one minute i'm crying for the sunset
then it's gone
try to keep it it gets flattened
try to save it it gets lost
you can't keep this alive
life is watching moments die
but it was warm back in your sun
i wouldn't trade what we had for anyone
i'm counting days again
a mark inside my head
a road i just don't know yet
i knew it was a dream
it never lasts for me
but i'm good at pretending
if no one witnesses the world
is it worth keeping?
if i don't think about you
will you leave me?
do i keep myself so busy
cause i don't want to know what's going on on the outside?
what's going on on the outside?
i don't know
do beautiful things make anyone else sad?
cause you can't enjoy it justice
one minute i'm crying for the sunset
then it's gone
try to keep it it gets flattened
suffocated in a box
you can't keep this alive
living in the moment while it dies
but it was warm back in your sun
somewhere in my memory there was love
if no one witnesses the world
is it worth keeping?
if i forget about you
were you real?
This one is about impermenance. I wrote it during a gorgeous sunset in January when
the
whole sky was pink and purple, and the first thing I felt was sadness that it would
soon
be
over. I've been working an internship for over a year, and it's been the best time
of my
life. As returning to university comes closer and closer to being a reality, I've
just
felt
this dread at how much I am going to lose, and how I have to go back to the living
hell
that
I made my previous university experience.
While working, I've built so many
relationships,
I've had friends for the first time in years, and I've experienced so many new
things
with
them, I dated for the first time, I started chronically reading psychology and self
development books, I started actually recording the songs I wrote in secret for
years, I
fell in love with public transit and became super comfortable downtown, I tried so
many
things I had been scared of, I moved out(?!). My world has gotten so much bigger
than it
was
when I was a reclusive, depresed, anorexic university student whose only joy in life
was
obsessively cleaning my room, cooking dinner, and doing well on assignments. Now it feels like I
feel like I lost three years of my life to that with not much to show for it.
The people I
met
through work reminded me how to be happy, and more fundamentally, how to be a person
in
the
world. That's what It's Never Enough was about, and I've grown so much since then,
but
I'm
also still the same person who feels separate from the world until someone else
pulls me
in.
How do you enjoy the moment when you know the warmth you have now can be gone in an
instant,
and you'll be back to the cold, empty world you once lived in? I can't go back to how life was before.
I really struggled to name this one, it was originally going to be 'Were you real?' and then
'Real' but I didn't like either. When I was submitting the tracks to LANDR (the distribution
service we use), it suddenly clicked that I should name it this, the name of another song I
had been working on but couldn't get right in time for this album release. Safe in my memory
gives it a little silver lining that when something is gone, it's just safe, forever, in
your memory.
This album (written between August 2023 and January 2024 and recorded from
December 2023
to
July
2024) is about reality, whereas most of the last one (It’s Never Enough) was
about
fantasy.
It
is the result of being pulled into somebody else's world, which is fun and
exciting and
overwhelming and scary and uncertain and sometimes doesn't work out. This
how I dealt
with
that.
These songs are a snapshot of me learning to live with that vulnerability,
and
impermanence, and actually enjoy them. At the end of the day, I want to feel
something
different, because it gives me
something to explore with lyrics and music, my absolute favourite thing in
the world.
Life's just cycles of experience and expression, it's not that deep.
I wanted Anxious Avoidant to have a slightly heavier sound, because we're
all adults
now. Since starting to work on this album, we've both grown up a lot (especially me). As
much as some of these songs feel so immature and emotional, at the end of the day,
authenticity is my core value as an artist. Honesty is what makes the songs interesting as a
snapshot in time. As much as I change, I hope I can always channel my unfiltered emotions
and feelings into music regardless of how it makes me look. I mean, I called the album
Anxious Avoidant, at least I'm self aware (although I don't think that label is even true
anymore).
Biggest
thanks in the world to Elliot for
absolutely slaughtering every chord strum, piano hit and drum track. We
usually loop the
guitar
backing, and then record the rest
as one track through the whole song, which is insane when you're playing
drums at 180BPM
or
guitar soloing or or or. I do some the vocal tracks as one take but honestly
most of our
songs
have like 100 stems and 50 of them are background vocal layering.
I’m glad this, our second album, is finally out because I’m already done
writing the
next
one
(it’s called sex,
drugs, and open mindedness LMAO) and halfway through the next (tentatively
called
citygirl).
These songs are close to my heart, but I am happy to let them go because
it's been so
long,
they
don't really feel like mine anymore.
Until next time (hopefully soon),
xOlivia
You know the set by now. I (Olivia) write the songs on guitar (usually on my pink Jazzmaster, Merona), and make a dionysian demo on Reaper that’s relatively in time. Then Elliot (the band) and I work together to remake the song, using his technical expertise to add more musical variety and flavour than my campfire chords can offer. And then we lose our minds listening to it, amazed that we made another banger.